Semantic Memory

Models, Theories and Tests of Semantic Memory

There are two main types of memory within the human brain, or mind. They are ‘episodic memory’ and ‘semantic memory’. Episodic memory is the memory that we have of specific events that we describe as a memory; this type of memory is typically subjective memory, or first-person memory. This type of memory is typically expressed through phrases such as “I remember when...”, or “I remember that...”. Semantic memory is a different type of memory in that it is a collective thought, or knowledge; it is the memories that we have stored that we claim as knowledge. This type of memory entails things such as knowledge that birds have wings, 2+2=4, etc. It is inherent memory that allows us to have a basic knowledge of the world.

Collins and Quillian

One of the leading theories of semantic memory that we are going to explore is the “Collins and Quillian (and Loftus) Model” (256); this theory deals explicitly with “semantic memory, comprehension and meaning” (256).

The first part of this theory attempts to explain what the structure of semantic memory looks like. This theory introduced an explanation of the structure of semantic memory that is called a ‘network’ (257). A network within semantic memory is the structure by which semantic memory works; it is what stores long-term information and allows it to become accessible in the mind. Some parts of the network include ‘nodes’ and ‘pathways’; nodes are sections in the network in which stored information stays, and the pathways are the roads that transmit the information from one node to another and allows the network to work effectively so that we can accurately retrieve information that has been stored in the memory.

The second part of the theory from Collins and Quillian tells us that the “major process that operates on this structure is spreading activation, the mental activity of accessing and retrieving information from this network,” (257); this method of access explains why we need the networks inside of our memory, it tells us what the networks are used for. Spreading activation is a process of memory retrieval that is prompted by words or concepts; when we hear, read or experience a word or concept, we access the idea in our memory via the networks within the brain. The next step in this retrieval is our associations and reactions to the idea; for instance, our semantic memory retrieves the idea of a bird, it then goes through all of our other memories to find associations (robin, penguin, eagle; or wings, beak, feathers, etc) that go with that concept in order to interpret and understand the idea fully. The following diagram illustrates spreading activation in the mind:

FIGURE 7-1 p 258

Collins and Quillian discovered that once an idea is activated, it opens up possibilities of other ideas being activated in our minds and often creates a domino effect of acknowledgment; by activating one idea, we are able to connect and expand concepts through the network.

The third part of this theory is called “intersection search” (258); this follows the spreading activation process. This search is what happens when one concept is activated in the brain and begins travelling through pathways within the network which intersect with other pathways that connect with different concepts. After the pathways intersect, our mind must make a decision on which pathway we must follow to come to the correct or at least semi-correct conclusion. Although these activations, connections and pathways are intricate and allow us to retrieve and store information, that information does not stay active in our brains long-term, but continues to be stored in our semantic memory waiting for another instance where it may be activated.

Smith

In contrast with Collins and Quillian’s model, we have “Smith’s Feature Comparison Model” (260). Smith’s model takes a different approach to the retrieval of memory than Collins and Quillian’s model. The first, and “most basic structural element was the feature list,” (260). The feature list is also known as ‘semantic features’. In contrast to the ‘network’ theory of Collins and Quillian, Smith suggests that our minds are simply compiled of lists. According to Smith, these lists are organized by “definingness” (260); this means that our minds categorize the semantic feature lists based on priority, which means that when we are given a concept, we automatically switch to the best related concept on a list for that concept. We rank concepts in order of priority; the features listed at the beginning of our memory are referred to in Smith’s model as defining features and the features that we consider later on are considered characteristic features. For instance, when discussing the concept of a tree the defining features are that it has a trunk, some branches, roots, wood, etc; and the characteristic features would be concepts such as ‘paper’, ‘sawmills’, etc. These characteristic features still relate to the core concept, which is why they are still involved in the list, but they are not essential to the description of the concept or object.

Information retrieval in this model is known as “feature comparison”; this method is slightly difficult to explain without examples, but I will do my best with the help of the following diagram:

FIGURE 7-2 p 261

When we are given two concepts, we bring up the feature lists of each concept to compare and contrast the features so that we can determine whether or not the two concepts are compatible. In this figure, which is shown on page 261 of the Cognition book, shows the feature lists of the words ‘robin’ and ‘bird’; this illustrates how our minds determine whether or not the statement ‘A robin is a bird’ is true or false. Without realizing it, we automatically state that this statement is true, but our mind has gone through many processes to get to this conclusion; our semantic memory has been at work. The feature lists in this diagram illustrate that ‘robin’ and ‘bird’ have four out of five of the same defining features, and the ‘robin’ list has the ‘red-breasted’ characteristic. Since eighty percent of the features listed in our features list are the same, we decide that a robin is indeed a bird. There are two stages, however, of this comparison. We have just seen and explained Stage I of this comparison; Stage II is when a concept is not as simple as ‘a robin is a bird’ and becomes something like “a chicken is a bird”. This example as found in page 262 is slightly more ambiguous in that a chicken does not have the same characteristics as most other birds, and therefore makes this decision more difficult as only a few defining characteristics are similar. In essence, Stage I allows for fast reactions and quick decisions, as the defining features typically line up quickly and easily; Stage II causes slower reactions and decisions, as the defining features may be less determining and more difficult to place.

Empirical Tests

There are different types of tests that are done to ensure the truth of the models of semantic memory. The most common task involved in these tests is called the “sentence verification task”; this is a task whereby subjects need to respond true or false to a simple statement. When subjects are tested using such simple concepts, their reaction time is faster than tests that involve more advanced decision-making. This test proves the theory posed by Collins and Quillian by showing that when given a concept, the mind will spread to other concepts almost simultaneously; this test does not however support Smith’s model of memory.

Works Cited

Ashcraft, M., Klein, R. (2010). Cognition. Toronto: Pearson.

Updates and Junk and Stuff

Hey,

It has been a while since updating (almost 3 weeks, oh noooooes!!!) I have, however, been unbelievably busy. The weekend of my 19th and 20th Philosophy intensive was October 21-23. This was also my first weekend working at a local pub just down the street from the university. That was a psychotic weekend!!

Since then, however, I have definitely been keeping busy. I work typically 28 hours a week at the pub and have 5 courses plus homework, I average probably about 75 hours of work in a week, which is tiring, but I usually take Sundays off which makes me happy.

This Thursday, I have a surgery :( I have never been 'under the knife' before and I am really friggin nervous! I don't know how much anesthesia I'm going to need and I don't know how much recovery time I'm going to need.. I am able to not attend class on Thursday, which is a relief; and I got an extension on a paper that is due (only a day, but heck, I'll take what I can get!)

That's about it for now, I'm sure I'll have some entertaining, and slightly embarrassing, videos and/or pictures to share with you come this weekend. Until then, I will probably share one or more of my projects with you, as my writing is lovely to share whether it is an informal blog post or a formal essay.

Lars and the Real Girl

Hey,

So, I've been super busy with work and school, and reading and work, and studying and work; so, here's a post that was partly extra-curricular (it was a movie) and partly schoolwork (we got to write a reflection on it). If you have never seen "Lars and the Real Girl" and you are at all interested in psychology or delusions (or Ryan Gosling), I highly suggest you watch it. I loved it!

So, the discussion question as posed by my Communities of Transformation professor was: For those who came out to the film: what stood out for you as some of the key elements that made Lars' community a healing community? To what extent could that be realistic in a church, town or neighbourhood setting?

And this was my response:

At the beginning of the movie, Lars’ sister-in-law seems to be the only person who really cares about his well being; she invites him over for breakfast in the opening scene. Later on, I like how she tackled him to the ground (her intensity reminded me of something I would do if my brother-in-law ignored my offerings of kindness). I don’t think his brother or the rest of the community realized the dramatic effect that their absence in his life had until he ordered a silicone companion. They realized, I think, in that moment that he needed some sort of companionship and he wasn’t getting it from them.

I like that the community accepted Bianca as a member, and pretended for Lars’ sake, that she was real. The moment where Lars is chopping wood after Bianca goes off to a function with the elderly lady from the church and Karin is yelling at him that they are welcoming Bianca in because they all love him so much. The very fact that Bianca is so involved in welcomed into the community is because of the community’s love for Lars. Karin seems frustrated that Lars doesn’t quite understand that other people love him, not just Bianca.

I found it interesting that the community worked together to kind of “wean” Lars off of Bianca; they all began volunteering her for different events, so that he can learn to live without her there every moment, but also he can become a part of the community. Like Jen said in her Moodle post about the work party – he would never have gone into the party if it weren’t for Bianca at his side. I feel as though Bianca was a sort of security blanket for him.

I also found it interesting how the psychologist, Dagmar, used Bianca’s “illness” as a means for her to spend time with Lars without making him feel as though he was getting psychological assistance.

I feel as though it could be realistic in any type of community setting, especially when Bianca was dying. I’d like to bring up what Jen said in class about the scene where the ladies from the church come over with casseroles and their knitting and they say “let’s just sit”; and another one says: “That’s what you do when tragedy strikes, you just sit”. I loved this expression of community – that although there may be nothing to be said, it is good to just know that people are around you and that they are there to provide comfort should you need it.

If any of you have anything you add or any comments on what I have said, I welcome all encouragements and criticisms equally :D

Also, watch this movie!

Happy watching!

The Mailbox

So, I've started this new journey of my life, going back to university. And I can't help but notice that everyday as I pass my mailbox, it is empty. I find that most of the surrounding mailboxes get things in them at least once a day, and mine constantly taunts me with its emptiness. So, today, upon discovering that my mailbox is, once again, empty, I wrote a poem about how it feels to discover that I have no friends from back home who are willing to write me to ask how I'm doing. Now, I do understand that modern technology is becoming the place for words of encouragement and notes, however, I'm not even receiving those. My electronic mailbox is also empty. So, this poem is in regards to both types of mailboxes: physical and electronic (and yes, electronic also means Facebook - Wall as well). This is in no way a pity party or a guilt trip, just a revelation, of sorts, and an expression of my feelings. Enjoy.

The Mailbox

An empty shelf.
A hollowed space.
A saddened heart
feels out of place.

From this old house,
there must be more.
Do I have friends
outside that door?

I talk to them,
I wish them well.
But when I see
that empty shell,

I can’t help but feel
that I’m alone
and that I really
don’t have a home.

They don’t think
outside themselves;
and all I see
are empty cells.

Filled with sorrow,
filled with pain,
filled with nothing
filled with disdain.

It mocks as I pass
with laughter it jeers;
it sits with a smile
and smirks at my tears.

It remains empty
with each passing day,
and if something should pass
it shoos it away

It likes to see
one so downtrodden;
the girl left alone
the girl who's forgotten.

Cosmological Argument - Part 1

I'm going to preface this with an interesting quote that I found through my reading and my thoughts on it. I will then rant *slash* vent about my Philosophy of Religion class this morning.

"A philosophical knowledge of God, for Thomas (St. Thomas Aquinas), is a 'preamble to faith'; it provides a rational foundation both for the unbeliever in his approach to Christianity and, as for St. Anselm, for the individual who already believes what he does not yet understand," (God and Reason, Ed. L. Miller; page 47).

I found this interesting due to the fact that it kind of explains why theological philosophy is necessary to life as we know it. Many Christians have a "knowledge of God", but I find that, overall, it is a somewhat juvenile, unformed, knowledge. A "philosophical knowledge" of God allows us to ask questions and to explore God even more fully so that we can grow in and learn to know Him better, or at least try.

The very concept of God is mind-blowing. This was proven during class today as we began exploring the thought of proving God's existence. This is very difficult to do, especially if you have several "devil's advocates" in the class, constantly insisting that God does not exist. Admittedly, I am one of them, but I understand how the real world works when it comes to trying to convince people that God exists, especially intellectuals. I once dated an atheist, which led to some interesting, and occasionally heated discussions around philosophy and religion, and I have first hand experience with the objections that are posed. I find that theoretical objections are not realistic to actual objections. I truly hope that we explore realistic objections in further detail so that we will be able to create rationally convincing arguments around the subject of God's existence.

This post shall continue, however, I have been discussing and mulling over the cosmological argument for the past 5 hours, and I need a break before I start my second philosophy class of the day, which will entail Analytic and Continental Philosophies; so, I feel as though a 2 hour break is slightly warranted.

Community and Growth

So, I officially had my first upper level Psychology class this morning (yes, I'm finally winding down after being up for 15 hours).. And yes, I have been working on Psychology as well as doing a few hours at Tim Horton's (I stink like coffee, cream and grossness).
I am currently reading "Community and Growth" by Jean Vanier, and I must say, it is a very intriguing book. I have finished the first chapter (finally, it seemed to have taken forever), but it was very interesting. So many wonderful points were made and I look forward to continuing the book. I have yet to write my reading log on this chapter, but it's not due until Saturday at midnight, so I've made notes in the book simply because it's easier for me to do it that way. This course seems to cover most of my areas of interest, and I feel as though it will be very helpful during thesis-writing time.
Also, today, I began my job at Tim Horton's (lame, I know, but what can you do). I only worked 3 hours and 12 minutes, but I got $9.50 per hour I was there plus an extra $3.81 in tips :D I'm pretty excited to keep working.. But I don't work again until Thursday, which is also very exciting. So much is happening this week, but I am so stoked that I am taking the steps to begin my career. My Psych professor, Walter has told me to stop by sometime this week to talk with him regarding my major (aka Psych, obvs). I am, of course, double majoring but Philosophy is mainly a "fun" major, if that makes sense. Many people are confused when I tell them Philosophy is fun for me; they look at me as though I have 3 heads, but it truly interests and excites me. I do know, however, that I need a Psychology degree to pursue my career of assisting children with depression and related (for lack of a better word) disabilities.
I am truly interested in my fields of study (I know that that should be normal, but not a lot of people are). I'm excited to continue on with my studies in Community Psychology and Philosophy of Religion. I am hoping to find a way to merge the two viewpoints in my thesis in two years, but a lot can happen in two years.

When I came here 4 years ago, I didn't really have a sense of why I was here and why I should be here. Vanier makes an excellent point in his book "Community and Growth" that states, "If we enter community because of our own choice, we will stay only if we become more aware that it was in fact God who chose us for this community. It is only then that we will find the inner strength to live through times of turmoil," (p. 44). This quote speaks to me in regards specifically to SSU, by which I have gone through a long road of searching and hurting to get to this place (emotionally, mentally and physically). Gregg Finley said on the first day of Orientation Week that "none of us are here by coincidence, we have all been called by God to be here," and that really hit home for me due to all that I have been through. These past couple of months have truly proven to me that I am meant to be here. Timing is everything. I honestly don't feel like I should have come here when I originally did (I'm glad I did, because I met some stellar people), but I don't feel as though I was mature enough in any facet of my being to commit to anything or to open up to the concept of community. I needed to figure out myself and my world in order to find my calling. And I was called back here. I'm still not positive of my purpose here, but I definitely have a sense of peace when I am here.

So, being a full time student, a part time worker and a volunteer stage manager for a local theatre group can be very time consuming and very stressful if one is not organized, so I am very precise when it comes to scheduling and budgeting. But something really hit home for me as I was reading "Community and Growth", it reads: "But to be good instruments of God's love we must avoid being over-tired, burnt-out, stressed, aggressive, fragmented or closed up. We need to be rested, centred, peaceful, aware of the needs of our body, our heart and our spirit. Jesus says that there is no greater love than to give our lives, but let us not give our over-tired, stressed and aggressive lives. Let us rather give joyful ones!" (p. 47). This really hit me because I find when I am over-tired, I am slightly rude and I seem to wear my fatigue quite openly, when it is no fault of the community that I have stretched myself so thin. I find that it is a conscious decision to be "rested, centred and peaceful", for the good of the community. I am learning that, although my life is full of stress and busy-ness, I am accountable to make the effort for peace. I find time in my busy life to relax and have a peaceful time for myself and am calmed by this alone time that I have.

First Week

So, classes officially started yesterday morning. This week has been freaking amazing! I have met some stellar people (and have hung out with equally stellar people who I have met previously) and had a great time. I have already gotten a job - it's Tim Horton's but it's a paycheque nonetheless. I shall be working 20 hours a week at my job, plus courses. Initially, I was going to take 6 courses this term (I was stressing), however, after a brief visit with the registrar, she advised me that I had already taken Peter Fitch's Ancient History course (yay me!!) So, I'm down to 5 courses, which is AWESOME!!! So excited. And I shall be doing a double major in Psychology and Philosophy with a (tentative) graduation date of December 2013. This is my first study session and I have decided to procrastinate by blogging about how I should be doing homework. However, this is my English study session, so I don't blame me for procrastinating as English holds absolutely zero interest for me, and I am glad that this is my last non-Philosophy or Psychology class for the rest of my days :)
I should really be journalling about haikus and Fish and whatnot, so, I'll get back to that and blog when I can.
Talk soon!

So close!

As of tonight, I have 6 days until I move into the residence at my university. As it nears to the date, I can't help but become more and more excited. I am also very nervous to start school; my head is swirling with thoughts of "what-ifs" I can't even begin to explain what the "what-ifs" are, but I know they're there. It's nerve wracking, but I'm prepared to deal with it. I'll be taking 6 courses in addition to working. I'm not sure where I'll be working yet, but I'm handing out resumes tomorrow, so hopefully something will come to pass.
Not much is happening in my life lately, I've just been chilling in St. Andrews until I head to St. Stephen for school next Sunday. I am very excited to start school and work.
That's about it. Hopefully when I start school, these blog entries will be more interesting :D
Until next time :D

Almost there

Hey!! I've been pretty busy working and packing. I am so excited to be going back to school. I only have 26 days until I head out east with my bestie, Brandon. I am almost all packed up. I am bringing the last of my storage stuff to Petawawa to stay in storage until I can afford to get my own place *slash* bring my stuff from storage to my new place.
I am pretty much ready to go (and have been for a couple of weeks), and I cannot wait to go! So excited for my new life as a student. Being an adult is way overrated, and I am very glad that I have a chance to start my life over again. I have made some dead end mistakes over the past couple of years and so this September will indeed be the beginning of the rest of my life. This new class at SSU already looks and sounds very interesting and I am interested to meet them. I know most of the current fourth years, but everyone else will be 100% new to me, so it should be an interesting time.

On another note, my niece is getting dedicated this Sunday! Should be a tiring day, as I work 10pm-6am on Saturday night, and have to be at church for 9. Ahh, that should be an interesting adventure. I always found it difficult to stay awake in church as it was, now I have to do it on zero sleep. Then we're going out to lunch afterwards. Good thing I have Monday off :D

So, that's a quick update on my life. Very excited to go to school.

Did I mention I'm very excited to go to school?? :p

Sexual Assault

So, I'm sitting here on my night off watching W Network, simply because there's nothing else on. The movie playing is called The Many Trials of One Jane Doe. It is all about the trials of a rape victim dealing with the Canadian judicial system looking for justice. This TV movie draws an interesting parallel to how actual rape victims are treated. Many of them are treated as suspects themselves. It doesn't seem as though rape is considered by police as a real crime. The traumatized victim is poked, prodded, and questions. "In rape, the Crown prosecutes on your behalf.. Your body is evidence, but you are not considered a participant in the crime".. What?? This makes no sense at all.

Read this article by Cosmo that I found. It's astounding:

Sexual violence on college campuses is not only incredibly widespread—roughly one in five women are the victims of completed or attempted rape while in college, according to the Department of Justice—but as a recent investigation discovered, academic institutions aren’t doing enough to protect students and punish criminals. That’s why Cosmo decided to take a stand and insist that schools treat sexual assault cases more seriously, by better supporting victims and taking a harder line against perpetrators. In our upcoming September issue, we’ll tell you about a huge new campaign we’re kicking off to fight sexual violence on campus and how you can get involved in the effort. In the meantime, read on to find out more about the terrifying issue—and the results of a revealing survey that will make you shudder.

A survey conducted by the Chicago Tribune found that of the sex crimes reported on college campuses in the past six years, only seven percent resulted in arrests and less than three percent resulted in convictions. That is well below the national average; about 25 percent of reported rapes result in arrests and about two-thirds of those arrests turn into convictions, according to the Tribune.

The newspaper looked at 171 cases that took place at a variety of Midwestern schools. Some of the schools they investigated, like Northwestern, had over 20 reports of sexual assault, but not a single arrest or conviction. Other colleges, such as Notre Dame, didn't have much better stats: they had 34 sex crimes and just four arrests and zero convictions. And Indiana University had a whopping 69 allegations of sexual violence and only one conviction.

And according to Russlynn Ali, the assistant secretary for civil rights in the U.S. Department of Education, this isn't just happening in the midwest. She told the Tribune, "These kinds of data are illustrative of the disturbing and alarming trend we are seeing across this country."

This comes on the heels of another scary revelation that some campuses may be neglecting to correctly and completely report sex crime statistics. A few weeks ago Yale University was found to have omitted certain "forcible sex offenses in its report of annual crime statistics when the crimes occurred". The university claims that the mistake has been corrected, but they still stand to lose federal funding for student aid because of the violation.

One theory as to why universities are under-reporting occurrences of sexual violence or not following up on them is that it makes their campuses seem unsafe to prospective students and their parents. Therefore, they fudge the numbers or try to handle the crimes internally rather than share the stats and risk making the school look unsafe and in turn, experiencing a decreased number of applicants.

Part of what makes this phenomenon so dangerous is that it could discourage college women who are victims of assault on campus from going to the police. More than 95 percent of college rapes go unreported according to the Department of Justice. Kim Lonsway, the director of the non-profit group End Violence Against Women, told the Tribune: "Part of me wonders why someone would even bother making a report. What's the point in going to police if they don't do anything about it? It almost makes me feel worse.”

The Department of Education is currently investigating the trend and we'll keep you updated on any news. And be sure to pick up the September issue later this summer to learn more about Cosmo's campaign to end campus violence.

Read more: Sexual Assault on College Campuses - Reporting Rape Leads to Few Arrests - Cosmopolitan

Why is there not more awareness of this growing phenomenon? Young girls are always told to "be careful" when they go to university, or go out on their own. But, are they shown these types of articles, or the following websites? No. Young girls don't know what to "be careful" for. I mean, a friend of mine once explained her "first time" to our group and one of them said "Umm, that was rape".. I was shocked, and so was she. We had no idea because we weren't told. I always had guessed that rape was when someone forced themselves on you and was forceful. But, I guess getting you intoxicated to the point where you cannot make proper decisions and you black out several times during the act also counts. Women need to be educated about these types of things. Some women are convinced that if it's someone you know, it's not rape. But if it's not consensual, it's rape. If you aren't in the right frame of mind, it's rape (aka Date Rape). It's disgusting what these guys do, and it's sad that we don't report it to the police, and it's horrifying that the amount of women who do report it barely ever get justice!! After being poked, prodded, questioned, interrogated and treated like a suspect, she doesn't even get justice. It's tragic and horrible.

http://joyfulheartfoundation.org
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=120195048055488
http://www.sacha.ca/home.php?sec=17&sub=43
http://www.rainn.org/statistics
http://www.sexassault.ca/statistics.htm

Writing Again

So, the transition from my own place to living in residence is going well. Well, the packing is anyway. I don't move until August 31st, which is a story all on it's own. I have nearly everything off of my walls, except a couple of hats (yes, I hang my hats on the wall), and a couple of corkboards and mirrors. But other than that, I have just about everything packed away in boxes. I know it seems a bit premature, but I like to be prepared the the least amount of stuff I have to do in the last week, the better.

So, in May, I asked my friend for a ride to New Brunswick for August 31st. She said sure, she should be able to. My mom kept telling me that I should get a backup ride just in case she bailed. I was like, Well, I asked her four months in advance, so why wouldn't she follow through. This proves that I do not understand the brain patterns of the common homo sapien. As of July 1st, I was abandoned. Her work schedule ended up that she was unable to assist me in my move. Although I would like to blame her work and not her, I did ask her four months in advance, so I suppose she could have booked it off. Hmm. I was in a pickle. In conversation with my good friend from New Brunswick, this came up. (He seems to be the only person I talk to about anything these days, so frustrations with friends, roommates and landlords do come up quite often when talking to him). He kindly offered to come and get me at the end of August. WHAT?? Is he serious?? He actually became my hero in that moment. So, we planned it out, he even talked to his boss within three hours of this conversation. He works overnights as well as me, so we talk a lot during the hours of 10pm and 6am. He decided to come up right after his night shift on the morning of the 31st and come get me, pack up the car and we can get a move on!
The next day, I messaged him to make sure he was true to his word. He assured me that he is so excited and that he will definitely drive me. He also invited me to his work Christmas party, and to be his roommate next summer. For real? This is so amazing!!! I love having a friend who loves planning as much as I do. Perhaps too much OCD is a problem in a friendship, but for now it seems to be working out pretty well.

So, tonight, I was clearing out under my bed and I found an old song I wrote in November. I told my friend about it. I told him that I usually write depressing songs; songs about abortion, loneliness, breakups and suicide, and he told me that I should write a script. I considered it, and I began writing again. I wrote about a page, then I realized that I have ADD and have written about twelve different "stories" that have been about a thousand words. I'm thinking, though, if I write a little bit a night, I might actually get somewhere with this story. It's a bit of a bleak storyline that I have in mind, but it should still be good. At least now I have something to do when I'm bored. Especially since now almost everything's packed, what else am I to do for the next month?

Dating Sites

There are some things about the single life that are slightly disturbing, and things about the single life that are not so much.
Being single can be fun for many reasons. The most prominent one is independence. It's nice to be able to go someplace without having to tell someone else where you're going and check in if you're going to be late. I enjoy being able to check out hot guys and not feel bad about it. It's fun to flirt and giggle without the guilt of thinking "I have someone at home, this poor guy.. I'm just leading him on while he could be hitting on some single chick". It's fun being the single chick. Free drinks and flirting and dancing with the girls. It truly is the life. Minus the constant alone-ness....
On the other hand, there's the dating game. Which is the worst part of being single. There are so many weirdos, creepers and just straight up (I hesitate to say this, but it's true) uggos out there!! And they all seem to be like mosquitoes. If you ever frequent the bars, you know who I'm talking about. You're out dancing with your girlies, and these are the guys who creep up behind you and all of a sudden their hands are on your hip and they grind on your leg like a dog in heat. This move is strictly reserved for the aforementioned "weirdos". The hot guys stay at the bar all night and creep until the last hour, then they move in. Or, you walk by the pool table, or go outside for some air, also where they frequent, and they'll strike up a conversation with you. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, creepers. Although hot guys seem to be exclusively at bars and the occasional Starbucks, creepers are everywhere. I decided I didn't really like the club scene anymore due to (especially in the summer) mini skirts and mini dresses causing the "Mosquito Effect" to run rampant. There is no way any type of semi-attractive girl can step foot in a club without at least one guy on her ... butt... Wanting to dance and/or take her home. What? Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm gonna put out to anyone! I hate that assumption. So, being disgusted with the gross attempts of creepy stinky military guys trying to pick me up, I went to the seemingly safer option of online "dating". For me, it's more like "online browsing and rejecting" as I've only gone on about two dates as a result of profiles and they were nothing like I imagined. I find that everytime I check out the "Who Viewed You" section of any of these sites, it's creepy people. Either skinny guys with unibrows or chubby guys trying to win the "funny guy" points by not telling you anything about themselves except that they are so hilarious! It's tiring. Then you get messages from guys like this saying "you are so beautiful. You have sexy eyes.." Then I check their profile and it's like a 34 year old Asian who looks 50.. BARF!!! I am just sick of creepers to the point where I am also done with online dating. How the heck is a girl to find anybody when the amount of creepers in the dating world are that of rats and spiders in a 19th century Venezuelan prison (and about as hygienic as them too). It is very rare to find a decent guy in this day and age. Mind you, at school and work are good places to look too, but even then, hot guys in the office are usually the scum of the earth too.
It's very difficult to be single. But I guess that's the price we pay for our independence. It's a little annoying, but it's good to not be tied down to anyone or anything. I think I'm done with the dating game for a while. Just until I get myself settled in my life, I think that will make it easier to settle into someone else's if I'm already settled in my own.

Divorce? Unemployment? Failure?

"But what if you get divorced? You have to be prepared for that," is what she said to me.. What??

If you are married, did you walk into that contract with the thought "Well, I better start preparing for the divorce now"? Didn't think so. That would be stupid.
I was talking about marriage, careers and children with my mother the other day and she said something really interesting to me. I'm going to begin by explaining the conversation and I will get back to what she said to me.
I was discussing my post: Dreams Come True - And Sometimes They Change with my mom the other day. I had mentioned that right now I have decided to focus on my career and just go for it; "that is," I said, "until I get married". You see, when I get married, I plan on being a stay-at-home wife. Now, I may work for the first while just so we can get settled, but as soon as I get pregnant and have children, I will be a stay-at-home mom and take care of the kids while my husband goes to work.
My mother's response to this was not supportive at all. She said, "So, what about your career?" And I responded with "I feel my kids will be more important to me as this is what I've wanted for as long as I can remember." The career is just passing time until I build my family. To this she responds, "Well, that wouldn't be wise. I mean, what if you get divorced?"
.............
"WHAT??" I was speechless. Who thinks about that? Oh, I know: a divorcee who raised two children and had a career all by herself. Okay, so that was great for you, but you know what? I'm not you! And when you got married, you didn't think, "Hmm, I think I'm going to stay with this guy for seven years then I think I'll fall out of love and get divorced then I can raise two girls on my own..." No, because that would make the thought and act of marriage one hundred percent moot. Why would someone get married and have children if their overall thought was "Someday, I will be divorced"?
Perhaps that's why I ended the relationship early with the one man that I was even close to marrying. I'm scared. I suppose I'm afraid that this will happen to me. I suppose I'm afraid that even though I can be absolutely in love with someone right now, maybe in seven years, or fifteen years (like one of my friends), I'll magically be un-in love with him and be all alone again. But I don't want to be that skeptic. I don't want to be that person that looks at every relationship and says, "But what if we break up?" Or go to a wedding and ask: "I wonder when the divorce will be?" I try every day not to be that person. But with every passing day of me being alone and of no prospects while (it seems) everyone around me is either dating, getting married or having a baby, it makes me feel like my life is going nowhere. And then I have "uplifting" people like my mother who say things like "Well, if you get divorced..." and my sister saying "You can't really do much with just an undergrad degree"... So, according to my family, my personal and my professional life are doomed to fail. Why do people even bother if there is such a huge possibility to fail? I mean, I'm not going into school saying to myself, "Well, after four years and $40,000 of debt, I plan on being unemployed and living in a box. It will be hell, but let's do it!!"Or when I (if I) finally get married, I'm not going to walk down the aisle thinking, "Good thing I signed that prenup, this is going to be the longest x amount of years of my life."
Everyone plans on succeeding when they plan their life. People go to university planning on beginning a career in their desired field. People get married planning on beginning a family and being together forever. So, why is there so much skepticism? Why is there always that person (or people) that say "There's no way you can achieve that". To these people, I am going to conclude this blog entry with a quote by Marianna Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel so insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in all of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

So, thinking about this, I have some things to say to these people who have said these negative things to me. My whole life, these two women have been my main, actually my only, role models. I have constantly looked to these brilliant, talented, driven and strong women to help me along. So, when they tell me I can't do something, I truly take it to heart. The last two lines of Marianne's quote inspire me to ignore the words of my role models and look at their lives. My mother, who tells me to prepare and think of divorce, may not have the strongest romantic life, but her career was amazing. She was in the military for twenty-five years and now she is fifty-one and can afford to fully retire travel as she pleases. She never went without and her family was always provided for. On the other hand, my sister says "What will you do with a degree?" Slandering my hopes of a career kind of makes me sad, but then I look at her life. She is happily married to a very kind, well rounded Christian man. They have a house, two cars and a new baby. They seem happy in their romantic life and seem very successful as well in this. I can't help but think that, just because they didn't succeed in one area of their life, they think that I can't. But, I can't help but wonder, "Why can't I do both?" Is it possible to have a successful marriage and a successful career? We'll see how life turns out, I really hope it is.

Courses!

EEKK!! So, it's official. I have been registered for my courses beginning September, 2011!! When choosing my courses, I had to keep in mind what my major is. I am majoring in Psychology, so I wanted to take as many psychology courses this year as I could. However, there were only three available. Two of which I didn't think I qualified for. I was simply going to go for Community and Individual Transformation which "explores the role of the community as the context for individual transformation". And, even though one of my core courses was available, I was unable to take it because I didn't have the prerequisite for it. You see, I thought I needed Psy 100 and Psy 101 (which are two core courses), but it turns out, I only needed one or the other as they're essentially the same thing. So, now I can take Developmental Psychology which delves into the wonderful world of human development, and focuses "primarily on child and adolescent development" which is perfect for what I want to do. Plus, it is a required course for my degree. So, this term will be full of four third year courses and two first year. So, I'm really hoping that the first year courses will even out all the third year courses. I could not be more excited for this term to happen.

Organic Hair Products Take 1

Hey. So a few weeks ago, I was talking with Nadya about homemade (and/or organic) hairproducts. And I decided I'd give it a try. Well. I finally made them today. It took me about an hour, but I made hairspray, shampoo, conditioner and body lotion. I'm going to post the recipes I created on here right now, but I'm letting them sit for 24 hours before I use them. I have put them in the fridge overnight as I head off to my overnight job. I am super excited to have them made. So far, the lotion seems to have worked. I smeared a bit on my hands before I came upstairs to write this and it feels pretty good :D Now, I don't recommend you try these quite yet as they probably still need to be tweaked. But I'm just too excited (and slightly afraid that I'll lose the paper I wrote these on), that I must share!! I started cooking the hairspray first, and while it was boiling, I had time to make the shampoo and the conditioner.

Hairspray
Ingredients
2 Medium sized lemons
2 Cups of water
Directions
Cut each lemon into quarters.
Place into a saucepan, and pour water over top.
Cook on high heat until the water is boiled.
After it has boiled, pull off of the heat.
Remove the lemons from the water, using tongs so you can squeeze out all the extra juice back into the pot.
Strain the water over a colander and place into a spray bottle.
Refrigerate overnight.

Shampoo
Ingredients
1 Kiwi
1/2 Cup Baking Soda
Directions
Peel all the skin off of the kiwi.
Blend the kiwi until it makes a pasty goop.
Strain the goop so that you get rid of any extra chunks.
There should be about a half a cup of kiwi juice.
Mix the baking soda in with the kiwi. It will form a lime-green paste (and smell like PlayDoh....).
Put in a sealable container and refrigerate overnight.

Conditioner
Ingredients
1/2 Cup Vinegar
3 drops Vanilla
Directions
Mix the vinegar and vanilla together.
Put in a sealable container and refrigerate overnight.

Body Lotion
Ingredients
1 Yogurt Cup
1/2 Cup Milk
1/4 Cup Sugar
3/4 Butter
3/4 Cup Flour
1-2 Tbsp Vanilla**
Directions
Blend yogurt, milk, sugar and butter together.
Add vanilla and flour.
Blend everything together.
Put mixture in a sealable container and put in the fridge overnight.
**Note: the vanilla is just for scent, if you want to add another extract it you want a different scent. Different extracts include coconut, almond oil, etc.

So, those are all my recipes (for now). And I will be trying all of those things out tomorrow and let you know how everything works out. I am very excited to try these and tomorrow's blog will entail everything else that comes with it. :D

Dreams Come True - And Sometimes They Change.

Hypothesis: I've realized something as of late. I'm beginning to notice that the things we dream of as children somehow switch directions entirely and even by the time you're in your twenties, those dreams fade and your life becomes completely opposite of what your dream was.
Here is why I think this:
Exhibit A: My sister. Let's call her Anna (Not her actual name). Anna grew up in the books. By the age of 7, she was reading novels like a sixth grader. She was my hero. She always was. She was always the perfect daughter. She was the perfect student, and she was the perfect older sister. She was everything I wanted to be, and more. As we grow older, this still holds true. But for many different reasons.
When we were kids, I admired her because she seemed to be the pride and joy of my mother and I seemed to be the constant screw-up. I admired her because she was so good at everything. She was a hard worker. She was constantly getting great marks in school, she was athletic and she was beautiful. Now, though, she is married, has a beautiful baby girl and a lovely home on the outskirts of the city.
So, what changed? Life, I guess. See, as a child, she was driven to be a career-oriented independent woman. Probably because that's what mom was. Mom didn't need a man in her life to make it complete, so why would Anna? This makes complete and utter sense. About three quarters through her Chemical Physics degree, though, Anna fell in love and got married. We were all so proud of her. Her goal switched. She had fallen in love. As she was 21, I suppose her goals changed. Now she is happy with her family and her husband's career goals seem more important to her than her own. Interesting how her dreams of a career changed to the aspirations of mother and wife. Something she never imagined that she would want.
Exhibit B: Me. Growing up, I always wanted to be a mother. I don't know what it is. Even watching home movies, I have a baby in my arms (not a real one, obviously). I cared for those dolls like they were real children until I was thirteen and I hid them away so I wouldn't get made fun of. At 17, I took a parenting class in which we got (some would say had) to take home a mechanical baby, wake up at night to its cries and treat it like an actual child. Needless to say, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the very few who took this assignment seriously. My dream my whole life has been to fall in love, get married, have babies and make house for my husband. As I turned 21, I realized, this will never happen. I've had only one serious boyfriend and that just ended. Now, I am 22 and I have no direction in my life because I have been awaiting Mr Perfect. So, now that I have come to this realization that love and children won't just happen for me, I have decided to focus on my career. I need to switch my focus from the happy family that I have longed for (and will continue to long for until I am an 85-year-old spinster) my whole life to having a career and some sort of focus in my life.
As a child, I was depressed. As a teenager, I was confused and angry (symptoms of depression). As an adult, I finally sought help. I am 22 and I have nowhere to go. I am going back to school after four years of dead end jobs and living on minimum wage (which is near impossible). I have decided where I want my career to go. I want to help kids and teenagers suffering from depression. Too many children are told that they are rebellious and "bad children", teenagers are told they are "angry" and have "issues". But nobody is there to help them through their issues. I find teenagers are blamed for their problems rather than being helped to learn the root of the problem. They then become frustrated, saddened, disheartened adult losers. (I say that because I am one). Perhaps my mothering heart was put in place for such a career as this. To help, not just my own children, but those of other people. I need to help fight childhood depression so that their futures aren't as bleak as mine.
Conclusion: Sometimes, we may start out our journeys dreaming of one thing, but life is interesting in that it sometimes will throw a curveball and leave us wanting (and getting) something completely different that will leave us more fulfilled than we could ever have imagined.

(Happy?) Father's Day

Hey.
So, today is Father's Day. A day to celebrate dads and father figures throughout the world. But, I need to ask the question, what are you supposed to do when and if you don't have a father to celebrate?
Let me tell you, as a child from a divorced family. I grew up with just a mother and a sister. No father around for father's day, birthdays, Christmas or anything else in between. During elementary school, every art class centred around some sort of holiday. Every one was just fine, until Father's Day came rolling around, just to haunt me and reiterate every year that something was missing from my life. We would do big projects centred directly around a celebration of how "great dad is" and how he's "always been there through everything". I would make the craft, the whole time wondering, who do I have in my life that I can possibly think of giving this to on that special day that was reserved specifically for dads. With a tear in my eye and a little pain in my heart, I would write To: Mom- Happy Father's Day. It killed me a little bit inside everytime; and I'm not quite sure how it affected her when she saw her little girl's heart breaking every year, every Father's Day and every Christmas when I would have a father-specific present/gift/craft and no one to give it to.
I was discussing this with my mother the other day and I've decided that Father's Day and Mother's Day shouldn't really exist. What with families being what they are these days. There are so many different types of families, it doesn't make sense that there would be specific days for these. For instance, we could have Parent's Day, which can celebrate your two moms, your two dads, your mom and dad, just your dad or just your mom. One day to celebrate them all. In that case, no child feels bad on one specific day because their mom ran off five years ago and hasn't written, or your father died in Afghanistan. Or that your dad lives 20 minutes away and still doesn't visit. No child should have to go through that pain. It's hard enough living in a situation like that, let alone having the constant reminder through the public education system that you've been abandoned by one of your parents, but hey, what the heck, let's make something to celebrate them for the 6 months they were in your life.
It just doesn't make sense to me. I guess it's kind of a sensitive topic for me, as Father's Day has always been difficult for me. I find the whole 24 hours every year I constantly think: Don't think about it, do something else. And I never can get my mind off of it. Not really. I like to think I do, but I know in my heart of hearts, all I want is to celebrate one Father's Day with my dad, where I give him a new gardening hat, bring him to supper or buy him a coffee. Just so he can know that even though we don't talk, I still love him and I wish we could spend some more time together. Just one. One Father's Day is all I want. I'm starting to think that that's a little too much to ask though.
To those fortunate enough to have fathers to celebrate with, please enjoy every minute of it. Please appreciate your father, there are people out there who don't know their father, or who don't have an opportunity to get to know them, or who were abandoned by their father, or who have lost their father. Fathers are truly a gift and they should be celebrated. Even if it's a quick email before you head off to work this morning, or a phone call when you get home from church. Either way, let him know you're thinking of him. Whether he'll admit it or not, I'm sure it will mean a lot to him to know his kids are thinking about him on this beautiful Sunday.

PostSecret

So, there is a website called PostSecret that people send postcards to and they are posted for all the world to see. Some people send it such deep, dark secrets, that it's no wonder they have kept these secrets.
I was considering sending in some secrets of my own, but then I realized there is no way anyone will ever know some of the secrets that I harbour. This could be why I feel so sad and alone every day of my life. So, I have printed photos of the people I would like to tell my secrets to, and wrote the secret on them. Still not sure what I will do with those secrets, but I'm glad I got them out of my system.
Since I got off my anti-depressants in February, I have been so lethargic and sad. I don't know exactly what's wrong with me, but I feel like I am so alone all the time. I cannot wait to go back to school so that maybe, possibly, I can feel some sort of purpose in my life again.
This is not meant to make anyone feel sad for me, or pity me. It is just something I've been thinking about all night.

Organic hair products

Hey, so I have been talking with my second year university roommate (Nadya) about homemade shampoo and conditioner. She told me for shampoo, use baking soda with a couple drops of water to make a paste, then massage into hair. After the shampoo, use cider vinegar or plain yogurt to moisturize hair. Over the next little bit, I will be attempting to use and create recipes for organic health and beauty products. I still need recipes for face wash, body wash and body lotion, so I shall experiment with those as well.
So today, I bought some lemons to make some hairspray and some kiwis to try and make some fruitylicious shampoo.. My Magic Bullet will be getting quite the workout this week. I will also be going to Dollarama (it was closed today) to get bottles to put all this stuff in.. I will be making the hairspray for sure tomorrow and I will do my hair and let you know how it goes. I may also try creating an anti-frizz gel so that my hair doesn't get too crazy while straightening it. I will let you know.

Nothing really new happening right now in my life. I officially told my landlord today that I am going back to university in September. Now, I need to find somebody to either sublet my room from September 1 to January 31, or take over the lease beginning September 1. This should be an interesting venture. I posted pictures of my furniture on Kijiji last night, but nothing yet. I really am hoping that I can sell some of this stuff before I move.

Back To School

These past couple of years have been quite the experience. I graduated high school in 2007, I was eighteen and very excited to start my life outside of my hometown of Petawawa. My first year of university was very interesting. I began my university career by taking the Diploma of Worship Studies and Spiritual Formation program (also known as Introduction to Contemporary and Emerging Worship Studies) which was headed up by Dan Wilt at St. Stephen's University in New Brunswick. Through this one year diploma program, I wrote a song, performed at the school's chapel services, made new friends, laughed and cried. I learned a lot about myself during this program, I learned that God isn't always what we imagine Him to be. I learned the true value of Christian relationships and that unconditional love and acceptance from people is possible.
Following my first year of university, I worked for the summer at Petawawa Research Forest. This was quite interesting, especially considering I am not a huge fan of Summer or of the outdoors. I really appreciate the experience of this job, as I discovered that the outdoors is wonderful. I would find myself mesmerized by the canopy of trees above and around me. So mesmerized, in fact, that I would sometimes forget that I would need to do my job.
After that summer, I had been planning on returning to St. Stephen's University as of September 2008, but when I went to see Mamma Mia on August 24th, I had a big decision to make. Would I go back to school? Or would I go to the city to try and live my Broadway Musical dream. My whole life, I had wondered if I could make it on the big stage or if Broadway was just some pipe dream. Well, I moved to Ottawa three days later and stayed there for three months. I was working full time at Tim Horton's and then took some Musical Theatre classes at the Ottawa School of Speech and Drama. As much fun as those classes were, I could feel myself longing for something more. I had to go back to school - real school. January 2009 rolled around and I emailed St. Stephen's University and they welcomed me back with open arms. That January, I took a six course load, worked 20 hours at the school's library and 20 hours at Tim Horton's. That was the best time of my life. It was challenging, to say the least, and time management was definitely at its finest.
After finishing that term, I moved to Hamilton, Ontario with my friend Nikki. We were subletting rooms in a house for a friend of a friend. We couldn't find jobs and we were pretty much broke for the summer. I stayed there for two months, and got sick of being unemployed. I went to the local recruiting office and signed up to join the military. After a couple of weeks, I called my father to tell him that I had joined and he came to pick me up. I lived with him for a couple of months until I went to Basic Military training. I started in the military as of August 29, 2009. Within a week, I was injured. They sent me to Warrior Fitness Training to begin with, and I was just on restrictions, meaning that I couldn't do specific exercises. After about a month, I was sent to Adapted Warrior Training, where I was given specific exercises that were designed not to strain my injury but also keep me in shape so that someday I could go back on platoon.
I met a guy named Brian while I was there, he was in the process of his release due to his injury, so he was moving back to Oshawa, which was his hometown. After a couple of months of being at basic and having a long distance relationship with him, I decided my hip wasn't about to get better anytime soon anyway, so I may as well release. I was released as of February 2010, which is when I moved in with Brian in his house in Oshawa. I was immediately taken by his daughter and fell in love with his parents instantaneously. We lived there until Easter, when I decided I couldn't bear to continue on with him when he is unemployed and losing the house. I moved back in with my dad in Beachburg, Ontario. A few weeks later, Brian moved to Petawawa and we quickly found jobs and an apartment in Pembroke, Ontario where we lived for the summer. That relationship ended and I moved in with my mom.
While working for American Express in Pembroke, I made many new friends. Friends that I would learn to trust and to care for no matter what happens. We did everything together. We went tanning, grocery shopping, work, gym - I mean everything.
When I got fired from American Express due to a security violation (I had my cell phone out), I decided I had some choices to make. I had to either find a job, and fast, or go back to school and finish my degree. I applied for some programs online and also some jobs online. I got a job in Ottawa and moved into a house here at the end of January. For the past four months, I have been living and working in Ottawa, but I have not been really that happy. I have recently decided that I will be returning to St. Stephen's University to get my degree in Psychology and see where life takes me from there.
With these experiences, I have learned so much about life, people and myself. I feel as though returning to university will be a step in the right direction to get my life in order. I feel as though this university experience would not have been the same if I had done it all right out of high school. I believe everything happens for a reason and that these experiences of the past four years have made me into a different person. Someone who is ready to take on the challenge of university once again.