If you are married, did you walk into that contract with the thought "Well, I better start preparing for the divorce now"? Didn't think so. That would be stupid.
I was talking about marriage, careers and children with my mother the other day and she said something really interesting to me. I'm going to begin by explaining the conversation and I will get back to what she said to me.
I was discussing my post: Dreams Come True - And Sometimes They Change with my mom the other day. I had mentioned that right now I have decided to focus on my career and just go for it; "that is," I said, "until I get married". You see, when I get married, I plan on being a stay-at-home wife. Now, I may work for the first while just so we can get settled, but as soon as I get pregnant and have children, I will be a stay-at-home mom and take care of the kids while my husband goes to work.
My mother's response to this was not supportive at all. She said, "So, what about your career?" And I responded with "I feel my kids will be more important to me as this is what I've wanted for as long as I can remember." The career is just passing time until I build my family. To this she responds, "Well, that wouldn't be wise. I mean, what if you get divorced?"
.............
"WHAT??" I was speechless. Who thinks about that? Oh, I know: a divorcee who raised two children and had a career all by herself. Okay, so that was great for you, but you know what? I'm not you! And when you got married, you didn't think, "Hmm, I think I'm going to stay with this guy for seven years then I think I'll fall out of love and get divorced then I can raise two girls on my own..." No, because that would make the thought and act of marriage one hundred percent moot. Why would someone get married and have children if their overall thought was "Someday, I will be divorced"?
Perhaps that's why I ended the relationship early with the one man that I was even close to marrying. I'm scared. I suppose I'm afraid that this will happen to me. I suppose I'm afraid that even though I can be absolutely in love with someone right now, maybe in seven years, or fifteen years (like one of my friends), I'll magically be un-in love with him and be all alone again. But I don't want to be that skeptic. I don't want to be that person that looks at every relationship and says, "But what if we break up?" Or go to a wedding and ask: "I wonder when the divorce will be?" I try every day not to be that person. But with every passing day of me being alone and of no prospects while (it seems) everyone around me is either dating, getting married or having a baby, it makes me feel like my life is going nowhere. And then I have "uplifting" people like my mother who say things like "Well, if you get divorced..." and my sister saying "You can't really do much with just an undergrad degree"... So, according to my family, my personal and my professional life are doomed to fail. Why do people even bother if there is such a huge possibility to fail? I mean, I'm not going into school saying to myself, "Well, after four years and $40,000 of debt, I plan on being unemployed and living in a box. It will be hell, but let's do it!!"Or when I (if I) finally get married, I'm not going to walk down the aisle thinking, "Good thing I signed that prenup, this is going to be the longest x amount of years of my life."
Everyone plans on succeeding when they plan their life. People go to university planning on beginning a career in their desired field. People get married planning on beginning a family and being together forever. So, why is there so much skepticism? Why is there always that person (or people) that say "There's no way you can achieve that". To these people, I am going to conclude this blog entry with a quote by Marianna Williamson:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel so insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in all of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
So, thinking about this, I have some things to say to these people who have said these negative things to me. My whole life, these two women have been my main, actually my only, role models. I have constantly looked to these brilliant, talented, driven and strong women to help me along. So, when they tell me I can't do something, I truly take it to heart. The last two lines of Marianne's quote inspire me to ignore the words of my role models and look at their lives. My mother, who tells me to prepare and think of divorce, may not have the strongest romantic life, but her career was amazing. She was in the military for twenty-five years and now she is fifty-one and can afford to fully retire travel as she pleases. She never went without and her family was always provided for. On the other hand, my sister says "What will you do with a degree?" Slandering my hopes of a career kind of makes me sad, but then I look at her life. She is happily married to a very kind, well rounded Christian man. They have a house, two cars and a new baby. They seem happy in their romantic life and seem very successful as well in this. I can't help but think that, just because they didn't succeed in one area of their life, they think that I can't. But, I can't help but wonder, "Why can't I do both?" Is it possible to have a successful marriage and a successful career? We'll see how life turns out, I really hope it is.
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