Being a Child and Being a Mom

The more I read about how to peacefully parent, the more I realize that my mother did not exercise these things. Anyone who believes that time-outs and spanking are acceptable and will raise respectful adults, let me tell you something: it won't. I must say that despite everything, my sister and I did end up being respectful (to a point). Our mother was a spanker, a talk-downer, and a time-outer. Children were to do as they were told (even 18 year old ones). I once asked her if cleaning the house was my way of "earning my keep" and she said yes. I was 10. These weren't chores, like the kitty litter or dishes, this was hands and knees scrubbing floors, bathroom, spare room, everything. My sister helped me with the chores until she got a job when she was 15, then I was responsible for all of the chores in our bungalow at the age of 12.. Awesome. When I would get frustrated or angry, I did not know how to express myself and it would come out "snippy" towards my mother. I was confused how they did not have to clean the house and I did every weekend. This came off as disrespectful and I was punished because of it. I learned nothing but to hold in my emotions. Early in adolescence, I also learned that if I told my mother the truth about anything (mostly how I felt about things), I would get a lecture or into a fight with her, I then began lying. At the age of 24, I still find the need to lie to her about things that I feel she will disapprove of. I am uncomfortable talking to her when I am feeling in a bad mood or in a funk because I was unable to be in those moods as a child/teenager.

As a child, I was bullied and as a "solution", I was sent to therapy. I was blamed for acting out, because I was being bullied and was told to "just ignore them"; but everyone has a breaking point. As a child, going to therapy made me feel like there was something wrong with me. And until I was in my twenties, I constantly believed that there was. I believed that I was disrespectful and rude and did not deserve to have intimate relationships (with friends, family or romantic partners). I distanced myself from people because I thought I was manipulative because I had been told that. Even just last year, one of my family members informed me that I was cruel, self-centred and manipulative. This was a severe blow to my self-worth. As a pregnant woman, I couldn't help but feel as though I would be too self-centred to raise a child. I actually stopped talking to my mother about my problems because this family member had told me that I use my problems to manipulate my mother into doing things for me, although I have rarely ever asked for her help. Perhaps this hit home because as a child, my mother would tell me that I would use my emotions to manipulate her; little did any of us know, I was depressed. Constantly being told that children don't get depressed, and that I was using my tears to be manipulative, I suppressed my emotions and began lying to everyone about how I felt and what I thought. I lost who I was. The only thing I could open up to was my journal, or God. I trusted God that someday things would get better. They didn't.

As a child, being told that you are manipulative and that your tears carry an ulterior motive makes you feel as though all of your pain and sadness is actually you being a mean person. My pain was actually me trying to make my mom do something for me (not true). As an adult, I still believe that lie to a point, which could possibly be why I am unable to open up to people about my true emotions and why I am unable to fully open my heart to anyone (either in friendship or romance). Perhaps being reprimanded for showing my emotions is the reason that I feel like I can't be in a relationship if I feel sad. Perhaps that is the reason that everytime I feel a little sad while in a relationship, I bow out; I run away and I leave before I can get reprimanded for not being perfect.

My son will not be subjected to such judgments from his father and I. We have discussed that we do not want to spank. I am going to try this peaceful parenting thing and hopefully my son will become a better, more trusting and more well-rounded adult than I have been.

Journey

*WARNING: This post questions the Christian faith and debates it somewhat, if you are easily offended when your religion is slightly challenged, do not continue*

I know it's hard to understand or comprehend. And it is even harder to care sometimes. But everyone has their own path. Every person has their own struggles and problems. Even when their lives seem absolutely perfect on the outside. For instance, I work with several people that are my age and they all seem to be pretty happy with their life and I can't help but think how incredibly lucky they must be to be so happy with life. Then I think about how I must look to them. I laugh, talk and occasionally sing and dance while I'm at work. My life must look pretty awesome to them. I have a beautiful baby boy and the pictures I post on Facebook look like I'm having a great time with him. I do have a great time with him, but when he is sleeping, or at his father's, I am alone and lonely. This statement may seem redundant, but let me explain. I have realized in the past couple of months that there is a difference between being alone and lonely. Being along means that you are the only person in the immediate area (be it the room, apartment, house, etc); being lonely means that, whether you are alone or accompanied, you feel an immense sense of abandonment. As though there is no one or nothing that can satisfy your need for companionship. Being lonely is possibly one of the darkest feelings in the world. There is (seemingly) no way to eliminate the feeling of loneliness. There is is an obvious answer to eliminating alone-ness, but loneliness cannot be satisfied, no matter how many people are around and no matter how many friends you have. Loneliness can temporarily be forgotten by busy-ness and preoccupation, but when the lights are out and you are left to yourself and your mind/thoughts take over, the loneliness can consume you. No person on the planet can experience your loneliness, and in most instances, no person on the planet is even aware of your loneliness.

Everyone has their own journey. Many things have happened in my life. Things I have shared and things that I will always keep to myself. The things kept to myself are the most horrific and tragic things that have happened. And unfortunately the only things that seem to replay over and over in my mind.

In the quietness of my home, and in the furthest corners of my mind, my deepest fears and strongest miseries are revealed. Will this aching ever go away? Is there a cure for loneliness? Some people may say it is "God" or some other deity. But then I need to ask myself, them and "God": Where was this "God" when I almost died? Where was this "God" when I needed someone to help me? When I was experiencing the darkest moments of my life all by myself, crying out to this "God" every moment, where was He? It is hard to believe in something that is supposed to be all knowing, all loving and all everything when He doesn't show up when I need him most. The best things that have happened to me have happened when I have depended on myself. I got myself out of those bad situations, I am alive because I am strong; I survived because I learned how, all by myself.

Some may see me as hard-hearted or bitter. It is true that I have closed my mind to the notion of an "all-loving God"; and it is true that I have given up all hope that any other person in this world can give a flying fart in space what happens to me. But these beliefs are based on experience. What I have been through in my life points to a non-existent deity. If there was a "God", I feel as though He would care a bit more for His kids than He seems to. I honestly don't think that it should be a constant struggle to earn His love or His approval. Someone close to me keeps telling me that if I keep honouring others, "God" will honour me. I have seen what happens to people who "God" honours - they die gruesome deaths and usually lose the thing they love most. I would rather keep what I love and die a normal death, thank you very much. I need to start living for me and by my convictions. I cannot keep spending the rest of my life trying to please someone who may or may not exist. I have spent the past 20 years trying to please people I do know exist and have failed to do that, so why would I spend the next 20, 40, or 60 years trying to please someone who isn't there? Seems like a lost cause to me.

Don't get me wrong, if you believe in a deity, go for it. If it makes you happy to believe that someone good is up there watching you and guiding you, then feel free. Personally, though, I do not think that there is one. "God". Pantheism seems to have the right idea. I believe that everything is spiritual. I have seen spirits and I cannot doubt that there is a spirit world.. But one "God" that looks out for the welfare of over 7 billion people (on this planet alone) seems a bit far-fetched for me.

This post turned into something completely different than I intended it to be. Sorry if I lost you there. Just some thoughts running around in my head.