Being a Child and Being a Mom

The more I read about how to peacefully parent, the more I realize that my mother did not exercise these things. Anyone who believes that time-outs and spanking are acceptable and will raise respectful adults, let me tell you something: it won't. I must say that despite everything, my sister and I did end up being respectful (to a point). Our mother was a spanker, a talk-downer, and a time-outer. Children were to do as they were told (even 18 year old ones). I once asked her if cleaning the house was my way of "earning my keep" and she said yes. I was 10. These weren't chores, like the kitty litter or dishes, this was hands and knees scrubbing floors, bathroom, spare room, everything. My sister helped me with the chores until she got a job when she was 15, then I was responsible for all of the chores in our bungalow at the age of 12.. Awesome. When I would get frustrated or angry, I did not know how to express myself and it would come out "snippy" towards my mother. I was confused how they did not have to clean the house and I did every weekend. This came off as disrespectful and I was punished because of it. I learned nothing but to hold in my emotions. Early in adolescence, I also learned that if I told my mother the truth about anything (mostly how I felt about things), I would get a lecture or into a fight with her, I then began lying. At the age of 24, I still find the need to lie to her about things that I feel she will disapprove of. I am uncomfortable talking to her when I am feeling in a bad mood or in a funk because I was unable to be in those moods as a child/teenager.

As a child, I was bullied and as a "solution", I was sent to therapy. I was blamed for acting out, because I was being bullied and was told to "just ignore them"; but everyone has a breaking point. As a child, going to therapy made me feel like there was something wrong with me. And until I was in my twenties, I constantly believed that there was. I believed that I was disrespectful and rude and did not deserve to have intimate relationships (with friends, family or romantic partners). I distanced myself from people because I thought I was manipulative because I had been told that. Even just last year, one of my family members informed me that I was cruel, self-centred and manipulative. This was a severe blow to my self-worth. As a pregnant woman, I couldn't help but feel as though I would be too self-centred to raise a child. I actually stopped talking to my mother about my problems because this family member had told me that I use my problems to manipulate my mother into doing things for me, although I have rarely ever asked for her help. Perhaps this hit home because as a child, my mother would tell me that I would use my emotions to manipulate her; little did any of us know, I was depressed. Constantly being told that children don't get depressed, and that I was using my tears to be manipulative, I suppressed my emotions and began lying to everyone about how I felt and what I thought. I lost who I was. The only thing I could open up to was my journal, or God. I trusted God that someday things would get better. They didn't.

As a child, being told that you are manipulative and that your tears carry an ulterior motive makes you feel as though all of your pain and sadness is actually you being a mean person. My pain was actually me trying to make my mom do something for me (not true). As an adult, I still believe that lie to a point, which could possibly be why I am unable to open up to people about my true emotions and why I am unable to fully open my heart to anyone (either in friendship or romance). Perhaps being reprimanded for showing my emotions is the reason that I feel like I can't be in a relationship if I feel sad. Perhaps that is the reason that everytime I feel a little sad while in a relationship, I bow out; I run away and I leave before I can get reprimanded for not being perfect.

My son will not be subjected to such judgments from his father and I. We have discussed that we do not want to spank. I am going to try this peaceful parenting thing and hopefully my son will become a better, more trusting and more well-rounded adult than I have been.