Journey

*WARNING: This post questions the Christian faith and debates it somewhat, if you are easily offended when your religion is slightly challenged, do not continue*

I know it's hard to understand or comprehend. And it is even harder to care sometimes. But everyone has their own path. Every person has their own struggles and problems. Even when their lives seem absolutely perfect on the outside. For instance, I work with several people that are my age and they all seem to be pretty happy with their life and I can't help but think how incredibly lucky they must be to be so happy with life. Then I think about how I must look to them. I laugh, talk and occasionally sing and dance while I'm at work. My life must look pretty awesome to them. I have a beautiful baby boy and the pictures I post on Facebook look like I'm having a great time with him. I do have a great time with him, but when he is sleeping, or at his father's, I am alone and lonely. This statement may seem redundant, but let me explain. I have realized in the past couple of months that there is a difference between being alone and lonely. Being along means that you are the only person in the immediate area (be it the room, apartment, house, etc); being lonely means that, whether you are alone or accompanied, you feel an immense sense of abandonment. As though there is no one or nothing that can satisfy your need for companionship. Being lonely is possibly one of the darkest feelings in the world. There is (seemingly) no way to eliminate the feeling of loneliness. There is is an obvious answer to eliminating alone-ness, but loneliness cannot be satisfied, no matter how many people are around and no matter how many friends you have. Loneliness can temporarily be forgotten by busy-ness and preoccupation, but when the lights are out and you are left to yourself and your mind/thoughts take over, the loneliness can consume you. No person on the planet can experience your loneliness, and in most instances, no person on the planet is even aware of your loneliness.

Everyone has their own journey. Many things have happened in my life. Things I have shared and things that I will always keep to myself. The things kept to myself are the most horrific and tragic things that have happened. And unfortunately the only things that seem to replay over and over in my mind.

In the quietness of my home, and in the furthest corners of my mind, my deepest fears and strongest miseries are revealed. Will this aching ever go away? Is there a cure for loneliness? Some people may say it is "God" or some other deity. But then I need to ask myself, them and "God": Where was this "God" when I almost died? Where was this "God" when I needed someone to help me? When I was experiencing the darkest moments of my life all by myself, crying out to this "God" every moment, where was He? It is hard to believe in something that is supposed to be all knowing, all loving and all everything when He doesn't show up when I need him most. The best things that have happened to me have happened when I have depended on myself. I got myself out of those bad situations, I am alive because I am strong; I survived because I learned how, all by myself.

Some may see me as hard-hearted or bitter. It is true that I have closed my mind to the notion of an "all-loving God"; and it is true that I have given up all hope that any other person in this world can give a flying fart in space what happens to me. But these beliefs are based on experience. What I have been through in my life points to a non-existent deity. If there was a "God", I feel as though He would care a bit more for His kids than He seems to. I honestly don't think that it should be a constant struggle to earn His love or His approval. Someone close to me keeps telling me that if I keep honouring others, "God" will honour me. I have seen what happens to people who "God" honours - they die gruesome deaths and usually lose the thing they love most. I would rather keep what I love and die a normal death, thank you very much. I need to start living for me and by my convictions. I cannot keep spending the rest of my life trying to please someone who may or may not exist. I have spent the past 20 years trying to please people I do know exist and have failed to do that, so why would I spend the next 20, 40, or 60 years trying to please someone who isn't there? Seems like a lost cause to me.

Don't get me wrong, if you believe in a deity, go for it. If it makes you happy to believe that someone good is up there watching you and guiding you, then feel free. Personally, though, I do not think that there is one. "God". Pantheism seems to have the right idea. I believe that everything is spiritual. I have seen spirits and I cannot doubt that there is a spirit world.. But one "God" that looks out for the welfare of over 7 billion people (on this planet alone) seems a bit far-fetched for me.

This post turned into something completely different than I intended it to be. Sorry if I lost you there. Just some thoughts running around in my head.